Linda's Laws of Mopeds

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For my own (and anyone else's) amusement I'm going to make a list of important things I learn as I learn them:

1. The moped starts better if you have the engine switch set to "run" rather than "off."

2. The moped runs better if you remember to turn the petcock to "on."

3. Don't touch the exhaust pipe after turning on the moped. OUCHIE! HOT!

4. The best way to make it rain is to leave the cover off the moped.

5. You can prevent predicted rain from falling by covering the moped.

6. The moped starts better if you have the engine switch set to "run" rather than "off." (That lesson didn't sink in very well the first 800 times).

7. Traffic is evil. This includes buses and pedestrians.

8. If the moped dies, you didn't want to go where you were going anyway.

9. Always cover the moped. You never know when some dumb drunk person will decide to spray down the front of the building and bike rack with buffalo sauce in the middle of the night.

10. If you ride the moped to class, you will get stuck behind the bus you would have taken if you weren't on the moped. If you don't ride the moped to class, you will either have to run frantically to catch the bus, or you will waste ten minutes waiting for the bus to arrive.

11. Wear eye protection when using carb cleaner.

12. To quote Steve Irwin: "Don't muck with it!"

13. Riding the moped to work makes going to work much more appealing. Unfortunately, it also makes the time until you get to leave work much less appealing.

14. Joyriding in parking garages is good fun.

15. If something is easy to take apart, it will be impossible to put back together. If something is hard to take apart, it will be impossible to put back together.

16. Follow the instructions. Do not question them. No, you are not special, and yes, they DO apply to you.

17. The best way to save yourself the embarrassment of having the moped die in the middle of the road 30 seconds after you start it is to remember to turn the petcock to "on".

18. No amount of cursing, lubricant, or beating on your unscrewing implement of choice with a hammer will enable you to unscrew a part that is reverse-threaded if you're unscrewing it the right (wrong) way.

19. Linda's All-Encompassing and Easily Invalidated Theory of Moped: If it's clean, it will work.

20. I need to make a public service announcement to all auto parts store clerks: No, I do not really know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, YOU do not really know what I'm talking about either. Please stop looking at me like I just came from the loony bin. M'kay?

21. Having a moped gives a whole new meaning to the concept of seasonal depression.

22. The only way to really fail is to quit trying.

23. Do not wear baggy pants while riding a moped.

24. If you stupidly ignore #23 and you think your pants are getting caught in the chain, stop first. THEN look down and try to fix it.

25. There are times when leaving a little bit of dirtyness is better than having a completely clean part. Or what's left of the part.

26. There's no such thing as something you only have to take apart once.

27. If you leave the moped uncovered for several weeks, you can cause it to tornado. (Yes, "tornado" is now a verb.)

28. F*** this "stock" s***.

29. The moped runs better if you don't run out of gas.

30. "Working" is not a black and white matter; there are many shades of "working."

31. Nothing ever works/comes apart/goes back together like it's supposed to.

32. If you happen to be lying on your back cleaning the scroop (scum + crud + goop) off the bottom of your moped, it is a good idea to keep your mouth closed.

33. Anticipating the Moped Coefficient is the best way to maintain punctuality and sanity. The moped coefficient is a number somewhere between two and forty-six. To find this number: (1) Estimate how much time it will take for you to repair/modify some part of your moped. (2) Time how long it actually takes to repair/modify that part of your moped. (3) Divide the actual time by the estimated time (#2/#1). Moped coefficients less than or equal to 1 are denoted with the letter "i" because they are imaginary and do not exist in reality.

34. Feet: the slightly stronger, somewhat less dexterous third hand you always wished you had.

35. Power tools are the root of much destruction. If they didn't make it so easy to FUBAR things, less things would get FUBARed.

36. Pain: Winterizing your mopeds IN JULY.

37. Riding a scooter is kind of like being a fat person walking on stilts. If the road is anything less than perfect, then it's kind of like being a fat person walking on stilts through a mine field.

38. Irony: De-winterizing your mopeds IN DECEMBER.

39. The Law of Sidecovers: If the sidecovers are applied to the moped, something underneath or otherwise hidden by the sidecovers will break within the next three hours.