TOOLS AND THEIR USES:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'What the...??!!'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age._
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters._
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles with the speed of a ballistic missile for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAF TSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
****MURPHYS LAWS OF MOPEDS****
(1) Anything that can go wrong usually will.
(2) Being dead right doesnt make you any less dead.
(3) The largest vehicle always has the right of way._
(4) Youre only pulled over when you were just trying to make the light.
(5) When there are three other cars at an intersection, the drivers are drunk and theres not a cop in sight.
(6) Universal parts are named as such as they fit nothing known in this universe._
(7) You finally save up enough to fix your moped and you get fired._
(8) No matter how well kept the moped, an oil leak will develop.
(9) When you take your moped to a mechanic because it makes a funny sound you will not be able to demonstrate it for the mechanic nor will you be able to describe.
(10) The temperature of vinyl seat covers is inversely proportional to the length of your skirt or shorts.
(11) A flat will occur during the heaviest downpour after dark
(12) The later you are running, the greater the chance of hitting every red light in your path.
(13) The less you want to be somewhere, the more likely every light will be green and traffic clear.
(14) A flat will occur when you are without a patch kit.
(15) A flat wont occur while you have a patch kit._
(16) If youre looking in the mirror and all you can see is a Semis grill, even if youll hit the brakes, you wont stop.
(17)By making expensive modifications you increase the gravitational attractions between your moped and large objects.
(18)If you treat your moped like a racing moped, then it will develop expensive racing problems._
(19) Regardless of how fast you go, someone behind you is in a hurry. Regardless of how fast you go, someone will delay you. The probability of 1 and 2 happening simultaneously is directly proportional to the amount of oncoming traffic, inversely proportional to the distance to the next no-passing zone, and directly proportional to the length of the no-passing zone.
(20) A quiet intersection never has any traffic until you are ready to cross it.
(21) You can drive a moped in to any river ford, just dont expect to always be able drive out.
(22) The red light is always longer then the green one.
(23)Any driver in front of you will immediately lose the ability to drive their car.
(24) Any given mechanical job you decide to solve alone will imminently require a third hand, at its most critical moment.
(25) A previously large supply of parts for an old moped will suddenly dry up the moment you require that part to repair your moped.