I recently saw a sad/hilarious thread on 'Lovers of Tomos' with a bunch of people lying about their '60 mph tomos's and i thought, "man, thats pretty weak, I guess these new kids out here doing the facebook thing inbetween playing world of warcraft or vaping or whatever don't know the 'international moped friendship organization' rules and best practices for lying about the speed of your moped."
Since i make it a personal goal not to post any useful information on facebook and only troll about tomos oil injectors and shit ( i've been told its an irrelevant social media platform, as opposed to MA which will forever be superior in every way) I figured i'd post the time honored moped speed lying skills that have been handed down through the ages.
From the original dark days before speed parts where moped speed lying was limited to claiming your Sachs went '32' when you damn well knew what those cars passing you were only doing 30 in that school zone, up to the modern era of fake GPS screen shots on your cell phone because 'you cant find a way to hold the gps camera app'.... these grand traditions must be passed on to future generations so they can learn and prosper.
#1 pick a random number above 60 but not too far above 60, make it oddly specific so they know you actually measured it with GPS, don't just say 'like 65'. You can also post something like '59' to avoid further scrutiny, then people won't think you're bragging because they'll say 'well if he was lying he would just round up to 60' even though your mis-tuned k-star actually barely does 50.
(ironically people whose bikes actually go that fast say things like '65' because they only care that they broke a milestone in 5 mph increments and they actually are 10x more concerned about why their carb keeps rattling off above 10k rpm or whether or not that funny sound is detonation, or they shut it down as soon as they see that round number come up because they are scared shitless riding a moped at 60 mph)
#2 claim that you are using speed secrets and that 'its easy' so your vague comments sound mysterious and fancy instead of sound like you don't actually know what is going on'
DONT post any info that people can actually use to determine you are lying like port timing, or jet size. Gearing is a good one that makes it sound like you are going faster than you really are because you can just say as big of gears as you want.
#3 double down, don't ever back off that number and if people really start to press you find someone who went 40 that you passed once to verify that "Oh man I was going like 45 (actually 38) and he was totally going sixty plus that one time he passed me and it was just the two of us and nobody ever saw it happen ever again"
#4- spend all your money on huge pipes and the most ostentatious and flashy speed parts you can find, that way when you post a pic of your bike outside a coffee shop or whatever it will totally look like it goes that fast
#5 don't bring the bike to a rally, if you do tell them that the weather is making your jetting off, or 'you're taking it easy' or better yet you 'blew up your clutch'. best you bring your slow brokeass stocker and say you don't want your 'A' bike to get scratched up in the back of a van bringing it there, this will probably also save you the humiliation of breakdown van. If you absolutely have to bring your bike, make sure it runs as badly as ever (haha, of course it does! ) so you can say its not running right this weekend or have some good excuse.
Well, thats the 5 rules for lying about your moped speed, hopefully this helps some folks out. The community wins when we all lie about our speeds better. (edited)
