Damn It, I'm an idiot.
Okay, so I lied before. My compression was shit.
As it turns out, I mistook the piston touching the base of the head ever-so-slightly as compression. I only noticed this when the "compression" was still good with the spark plug out.
So i threw a gasket on that bitch. compression out the yin-yang.
I got it started with a little starter fluid... but then nothing...
It only runs for like 2 seconds on the blast of ether.
So now onto troubleshooting carb issues I guess... (suggestions welcome)
While it "ran" it was at full blast, which troubles me because it leads me to believe I the source of my original intake leak either wasn't where I thought is was, or I still didn't seal it well enough... that or I'm running super-ultra lean, which is hopefully the cause because as of right now, my carb is completely stock.