This gave me a laugh

Luke Stroehlein /

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'

DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

(This is a mutation

of a column written by Peter Egan and published in Road and Track back

in 1996.)

Re: This gave me a laugh

Pushrod Fifty /

These things only happen once. I drilled a hole in my finger while holding two panels together. That was back in the late 80's, never happened again.

Re: This gave me a laugh

Luke Stroehlein /

Rounding bolt heads and stripping screws never ends. That's why I replace everything with hardened Allen bolts

Re: This gave me a laugh

TORQUE WRENCH: Completely optional tool in most circumstances. Mandatory for tightening remaining bolts after stripping the threads out of the first one.

Re: This gave me a laugh

FLAT TIP CHISEL/PUNCH : When hit with HAMMER it's the last resort to try to walk out screws/bolts rounded off by VISE GRIPS.

Re: This gave me a laugh

> Bob Naske Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> FLAT TIP CHISEL/PUNCH : When hit with HAMMER it's the best option to completely remove the screw head

> so that one may use yet more tools: a drill and easy out.

Re: This gave me a laugh

^^ Yup that too!!

Re: This gave me a laugh

Oldie but a goody - always and still makes me laugh

Re: This gave me a laugh

Things were better in '96....

Re: This gave me a laugh

Brad William /

PPE. Unlocks hidden superhuman resistance to danger so your inner idiot can reach where you shouldn't'a, walk under what you oughtn't'a, breathe what you wouldn't'a, and stare at what dad always told you not to.

Increased utility in summer for sweating away unwanted lbs.

Generally enhances the outcome all "Tools Explained" above. (edited)

Re: This gave me a laugh

> live ɘvil Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> > Bob Naske Wrote:

>

> > -------------------------------------------------------

>

> > FLAT TIP CHISEL/PUNCH : When hit with HAMMER it's the best option to

> completely remove the screw head

>

> > so that one may use yet more tools: a drill and easy out.

Then when the hardened easy out breaks off in the hole you can dig out yet another tool......the oxy/acetylene torch to burn everything including the threads out.

This is a useful thread that should be in the repair section. (edited)

Re: This gave me a laugh

Brad William /

Gates, guards, lock-outs, continunuity testers, etc. Clever devices OKA 'learning impediments'.

Related to PPE. (edited)

Re: This gave me a laugh

And it all ends with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER or an AMBULANCE ride to the EMERGENCY ROOM to get yourself patched up!

Re: This gave me a laugh

> Bob Naske Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> And it all ends with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER or an AMBULANCE ride to the

> EMERGENCY ROOM to get yourself patched up!

....but never dismemberment or death. Otherwise you shouldn't be using tools.

Re: This gave me a laugh

Brad William /

> Bob Naske Wrote:

> -------------------------------------------------------

> And it all ends with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER or an AMBULANCE ride to the

> EMERGENCY ROOM to get yourself patched up!

Strolled into Emergency to stitch up the back of my hand 'bout five years ago. Drove a 3" hole saw into it. Not a lot of blood. Or pain. But it clearly needed sewing shut. Get this over with and gimme some pain meds, send me home.

Nurse tells me that two severed tendons need to be fished back through my wrist and reattached. That or no more opposed thumb on my left. One of the cooler things about our species so not a lot of choice there. Let's do this.

Uh, no. Have to sew you up. Send you home. Schedule the hand surgeon. Come back. Put you under. Have a friend drive you back home. Twice. Then send you to phys therapy 25mi away, twice a week, for four weeks.

JFC!!

But i have to marvel every time i look at that scar. Luckily born into this time and place. In the past, and in most places on earth today, that would have been it...no more useful left hand. (edited)

Re: This gave me a laugh

♣Slew Foot♣ /

Obviously if your fingertips grow back even if you did luckout and have one of the best microsurgeons on the east coast being there doing a lecture he was a guitar player too.

Add pusher stick and blade guard can be used as visual impairment aides...

Re: This gave me a laugh

Dont be a tool, rent one...

Re: This gave me a laugh

♣Slew Foot♣ /

Only drink enough to stop the shakes before work.

Old Irish saying....

Re: This gave me a laugh

i pinched my stomach so good the other day with some pliers. I was trying to hold a piece stationary to pry out a rubber part and it slipped, the back of the handles gave me a perfect snakebike lookin pinch right on my stomach cuz i was leaning it to give it wieght.

Re: This gave me a laugh

Blaine- The artist formerly known as Plumber Crack "(OFMC)" /

Nothing is more pleasant than a pair of chann-L-locks opened up wide for a big bite, then slipping off and pinching across at least 2 fingernails at once.

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