OT: Reflect... on this...

-Why do you drive on a parkway, and park on a drive way?

-Why does 7-11 have locks on the door is they are open 24 hours a day and 7 days week?

-Ever seen a sign that said, "SLOW CHILDREN AHEAD", does that sign mean that slow/stupid children are ahead or slow down, children are head?

-If you were told to bring 9 function calculators, would you bring 9 calculators or 1 calculator with 9 functions?

-Have you ever gotten a bar of soap and thought about where it has been before you have used it?

-I was told, a ketchup bottle has a glued on paper ban around the neck of the bottle to hide the bugs that float to the top.

Just some things to reflect upon.....

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Three women went hunting, a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. They all went out...

The redhead came back and had a buck. Blonde and brunette say wow thats a pretty nice one how'd ya do that. She said well I found some tracks, followed them and found a buck. Wow... they all go out again...

They meet up again and the brunette has a doe. Wow pretty good doe, a little bit small though. The blonde asks how'd ya do that? She said well I just found some tracks and led me right to her. Great... and they all go out again.

The blonde comes back limping and all bloody and bruised. They said well what the heck happened to you?! She said I found some tracks and followed them and followed them, and bam! I got hit by a train!

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There was an eartquake that hit Mexico today. Hit a 9.1 on the richter scale and leveled the whole country. The government was stunned, and with millions injured and 350,000 dead they did not know where to start.

Canada sent them thousands of troops to help them start to clean up and re build. England was sending them food and money to survive and continue on. Texas, being the kinda heart they are, sent them 350,000 replacement mexicans.

------------------------------------------------------------------

As I've Matured:

I've learned that no matter how much I care,

some people are just assholes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for

about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long

after you think you're finished.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and

steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades,

and there had better bea lot of money to take

its place.

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take

a joke" in 6 languages.

---------------------------

Know why so many Italian guys are named Tony?

Because, prior to being shipped to the States, they had a sticker put on them that read "To:NY".

-------------------------------------------

15 Things Morticians Hate The Most

15) Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

14) No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

13) Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

12) Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

11) Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

10) Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

9) Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

8) Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.

7) Toe tag paper cuts.

6) The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

5) Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

4) Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.

3) At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

2) Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

1) Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

-------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"

"Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told. He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello! Are you still

there?" "Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.

------------

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered,

"She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

-----------------------------------------

Man driving down the highway in New Mexico, after doing some shopping, stops to pick up a guy needing a ride...turns out the guy is a Navajo.

After exchanging the pleasantries, the ride is cloaked in silence, as is the Navajo way......finally, the Navajo looks down at the liquor store bag and asks" What you have in the bag?"

"Oh", the driver replied, "that's an expensive bottle of wine, bottled in 1957, it's a really delicate blend that I got for my wife".

"Humph", says the Navajo.

After another five minutes or so, the Navajo speaks to him again,

"Good trade", he says.

-------------------------

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

--------------------

The Top 10 Things Firefighters

Say To The Owner of a House on Fire

------------------------------------------------

10) "You been playing with matches again?"

9) "Sorry we're late but we couldn't find that damn Dalmation."

8) "Hot enough for ya?"

7) "If you want, we can help this spread to your neighbor's house."

6) "Did you Stop,Drop and Roll?...If not, you better get your ass back in there and do it right!"

5) "That blaze would make one hell of a marshmallow roast."

4) "Based on this sir, I'd say your son is DEFINITELY a pyromaniac."

3) "The religious right just called...can they use what's left of your house for a bookburning?"

2) "I know its not much compared to losing everything but I'll let you ring the siren once before we leave."

1) "What was that catchy Talkin' Heads song.."Burnin' Down the...Oh,sorry."

-----------------

Two friends, a blonde and redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, " You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde then say's why don't you just put them in a vase

--------------------------

and heres a site for your pleasure...

http://www.greenfieldcoffins.com/index.htm

its a good one. Favorite quote in on the styles page...

"Our ecologically friendly, biodegradable coffin can be stored in sheds, garages lofts etc. "

hope its not too much people, have a good day.

Re: OT: Reflect... on this...

No offence to canadans at all, Canada rules! But neway, there's these 2 canadians sittin around and they're both pretty bored. So, one of em says Lets play 20 questions eh? The other canadian says Alright, i'll think of something first. He thinks of somethin he'll never guess, Mooseco*k.

So the other guy says Can you eat it?

He says Well i guess if you really had too.

Then the other guy says Oh, is it moosecock.

--------------------------------------------------------

What do you call 20000000000 blondes lined up ear to ear?

a wind tunnel.

-------------------------------

How do you get a one armed blonde hanging from a tree down?

Wave to her.

----------------------------------------

Ahh yes, stupid dumb jokes. They'll never get old.

Re: OT: Reflect... on this...

Jason Langrehr /

If a blonde and brunette jump off a building, who will hit the gound first?

Brunette, blond has to ask for directions.

Whats the thinnest book in the world?

What a blonde knows

There was a hailstorm, a blondes car was all dinged up. She brung it to shop. The shop worked felt like having some fun today. She asked how to take the dents out. He told her she needed to go home, and blow in the tailpipe till they all pop out. When she gets home, she gets out and starts to blow in tailpipe. Her blonde friend pulls up"what are you doing?"the friend said. "Just trying to pop these damn dings out of the car, but the guy at the shop said to blow in the tailpipe and its not working" "Duh!, you have to roll up the windows first" her blonde friend says.

Re: OT: Reflect... on this...

Jason Langrehr /

Friend just sent this, thought mitch might appreciate it

there was a bank that was closed and a burgular went to the bank and got to open a vault. only finding a cup of vanilla pudding he ate thatso then he opened another vault and found only another cup of vanilla pudding so he hate that one. opening a third vault he found another cup of vanilla pudding and ate that. gieetin pissed he left. the following day the front page of the news paper read "SPERM BANK ROBBERY...NO LEADS

Re: OT: Reflect... on this...

A man walks into a bar... Ouch!

Re: OT: Reflect... on this...

Know why they havnt held the olympics in poland?? Everywhere you sat, there would be a pole infront of you.

Re: OT: Reflect... on this...

David F Martin /

A redhead chick asks the sheep farmer, "If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have the cutest one as a pet?"

"OK," says the farmer.

"422," she blurts out.

The farmer scratches his head... "You're right."

The redhead makes her choice...

The farmer says, "If I guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

david

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