All white people are to report to the cotton fields at 6am for orientation.
All white people are to report to the cotton fields at 6am for orientation.
I hop you fuckin' freeze to death in that van you asshat
attention all white bigots:
according to the latest polling info, you are now officially a minority group. Now would be a good time to cool it with the jokes.
Totally stupid joke. This is 2008, not 1948.
Hahahahahah, its funny because he really lives in a van! Hahaha!
was that over the line? i thought it was funny. sorry guys!
thse are the only type of jokes allowed in this thread from now on. feel free to add your own.
a bear walks into a bar, sits down and says...
i'll have a gin..... and tonic.
so the bartender says, "sure thing. but why the long pause?"
and the bear stands up and says " roar! i'm a bear!"
get it? like paws? i guess it doesnt work spelled out like that, huh?
okay, here's one:
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are
you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
Whitey been a minority for years
Where you been?
joke was not funny dude
oh you had better not be talking about the bear joke.
ok! wheres harold? he can pull it. my bad!
It was funny. I could totally see it on Dave Chappelle.
i am so fucking sick of these political jokes!
I thought it was funny, Davey. Totally using that dog one sometime.
Nicker, yours was what you might call off-color, but it hardly warrants being pulled, regardless of how up in arms people get. I chuckled.
'kay so this dude walks into a bar and there's a whole side of raw beef hanging in the rafters of the ceiling.
he says to the bartender "what's the story with this beef up there?"
the bartender says "we have a running wager: if you can jump up and hang onto that beef for thirty seconds, you win free drinks for the night. BUT - if your hands slip, you have to buy everyone in here a round"
the dude stands there staring up at the side of beef for several minutes and finally the bartender says "well, are you gonna go for it?"
dude replies "nope. the steaks are too high."
HA! i love it.
A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "we dont serve ropes around here." So he walks outside, messes up his hair and ties himself up, comes back in and orders a beer. The bartender says "I told you we don't serve ropes here!". He says "I'm not a rope." The bartender says "really?" And he replies "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Man I love that joke.
A family of olives was walking down the road, when they decide they need to cross the road. unfortunately there is no cross walk, so they'll just have the j-walk. the youngest olive decides since he is the fastest he'll try to go across first.
unfortunately, he gets hit by a car on his way over. horrified, his family starts yelling to see if he is alright.
the youngest one yells back "OLIVE!"
guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender yells "hey we don't allow dogs in here!"
the dog's owner replies "I can't leave this dog outside, he's a talking dog!"
The bartender says "okay get that dog to talk and I'll let him sit at the bar with you."
Dog owner says "okay dog, time to dazzle him! What's on top of a house?"
Dog replies "rrrrrrrr-roof!"
Dog owner asks "How would you describe the feeling of sandpaper?"
Dog says "rr-rrrrruff!"
Dog owner says "now how about baseball? who's the greatest player of all time?"
Dog goes "Rrrrrrrruth!"
The bartender says "get outta my bar you no good lying scum!" then he grabs the man and his dog and drags them across the bar and throws them both into the alley.
The dog looks at his owner and says "Who was it then? Hank Aaron?"
james, thats one of my favorites.
the olive one took me a minute. ha.
a guy brings in his sick parrot to the vet. he sets the parrot on the table and it immediately falls over. the vet looks at it and says, "i'm sorry sir, your parrot is dead"
"how do you know that?" the guy says, "you havent even done any tests!"
so the vet tells they guy to wait, leaves the room and comes back with a labrador retriever. the dog walks up to the table, looks at the parrot, shakes his head and walks out of the room.
"see?" the vet says, "he's dead"
still not believing the vet, the guy demands that he runs some tests. so the vet leaves the room again and comes back with a cat. the cat looks at the parrot, shakes his head, and leaves the room.
"there you have it", says the vet, "fucking dead".
the man finally agrees and asks for the bill.
the vet gives him a bill for $1000 and the dude flips out.
"why is it so much?" he screams at the vet
and the vet replies "well, my initial fee was $100, but the lab work and the cat scan are pretty expensive"
What did the sign on the whore house say?
Beat it, we're closed.
one more than i'm going to bed.
a kid comes home from college for spring break and sits down with his dad and says
"i'm so embarrassed, my best friend took me to meet his new girlfriend the other night. she walked up and had huge boobs and i couldnt stop looking at them. when he went to introduce her to me i accidentally said 'pleased to meet boob' instead of pleased to meet you."
his dad says
"thats okay son, that happens to everyone. why just the other day i was sitting with your mother eating breakfast and i meant to say 'please pass the syrup', but instead i accidentally said ' you fucking bitch, you ruined my life'"
my dad told me that one.
so this old woman goes to get a facelift and her cosmetic surgeon says to her "you know, any of these conventional procedures are sadly temporary, but there's a new face-lift procedure being tested, it allows for periodic adjustments without any surgery."
The old lady is intrigued and asks the doctor or explain. "Well, what we do is we take all the corners that normally are pulled back in a traditional facelift and we attach them to this small ratcheting knob, then we bold this discreet knob at the base of your skull, where your hair covers it up. Any time you notice your face starting to sag, simply give the knob a small turn, and your skin will be re-tensioned."
The woman agrees, and after surgery she is thrilled with the results. "Remember" says the doctor "Just adjust that knob as needed, and you'll never need to come visit me again!" The woman leaves and the doctor does not see or hear from her for 10 years. One day she returns, furious. "What seems to be the trouble madam?" he asks.
"Two things! First it's this damn knob!" she replies "I've been tightening it a little every day, and you promised me I would keep looking youthful but here I am ten years later, and just look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor looks carefully at her face and then replies "Mam, those are your breasts."
Embarrassed, the old woman stares sheepishly at the floor. "What was the second thing you wanted to say?" the doctor asks.
she replies "Oh... I was going to ask about this goatee, but... nevermind."
No harm intended, no foul. Context was poor taste.
Coming from Chris Rock or Chappell it might work.
Always like that lab and cat scan one.
Guess we are not quit "politically incorrect" just yet.
A ME, EE, and CE are all sitting around arguing about god. The ME says "look at the human body; all the joints and muscles, the tendons and connective tissues; god's definitely an ME." The EE says "no, look at the body, but look at the nervous system; the synapses, the nerve clusters, god's for sure an EE." The CE says "no, he's got to be a CE, cause who but a civil engineer would run a waste disposal pipeline through such a great recreational area?"
LOL let's just do jokes you were shocked to hear your parents tell you.
Here's the best one my Mom ever told me:
"did you know before Jesus hired the disciples and started healing people he worked as a door-to-door salesman? He wasn't very good at it though, the people were always like "ah Jesus, it's _him_ again!"
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