creature vigilantism: success

we were supposed to have a photographer from the SF chronicle trail us tonight, but we quickly found something much better to do.

lately, there has been an outbreak of moped theft in san francisco centered around the caltrain station downtown, where good-for-nothings and child molesters have been cutting cable locks of bikes chained on the street. stolen was a puch maxi, a vespa bravo, and another bravo i think at a different location.

as we left sadie's for our ride tonight, a lone moped was spotted down the block. we immediately tore after it, zig-zagging through the maze-like streets at the foot of potrero hill.

even with polini power between our legs, this pederass knew his terrain well, dragging us through a series of mud-covered construction sites and dirt paths. at the end of a makeshift parking lot my magnum lept off a two-foot-tall drop-off of some kind into gravel as graham cornered the baby-toucher.

"it's my friend's bike!" pleaded the hapless dirty-dread hillbilly lowlife. he sped off into the dirt, with newport and me in pursuit.

some chainlink fence and lake-like puddle later, mr. scumsucker lost us around a corner. newport and i split up to look in the dark for him. at the end of a parking lot i spoke to the attendant, who had previously seen a couple of extremely dirty fellows hanging out with mopeds under some overpass wasteland. i rode back, met up with newport and the rest of the gang, my insides burning with feelings of failure and disappointment.

well, shit-fuck, leave it to our antagonist to stupidly ride up toward us on his stolen goods. fifteen or twenty of us raced back to our bikes and took off after him across the china basin bridge, whatever it's called.

i saw nothing but sewer-dread's taillight as i pushed the magnum up to 80+ km/h over some very bumpy and ill-maintained roads. the little red light headed out over some dirt again, but graham, newport and i stayed close behind, with lee charging right behind us on the all-stock-modified hill-toucher of a maxi that he engineered but is unfortunately selling to some undeserving lad. in the pitch-dark we did not see the jagged chunk of concrete we had to jump onto, and i slammed on the brakes and lept off the bike as newport took a dive over his new clip-ons. lee somehow drove his bike over this vertical chunk of jagged conglomerate.

we immediately jumped back onto our rides and raced the pug-fucker down the block. he approached a circa-1995 beige mazda mpg, dumped the bike, and hopped in. graham, newport, and i surrounded the van, chains in hand, as the others roared to catch up.

"drive! drive, steve, drive!" cried the incest-bred scat defender.

"get the fuck out of my car!" yelled steve, the driver.

none of us wanted brains on our chains, so we let the thief go, since we had the bike. steve wouldn't let him back into the car until the cops appeared down the block, and they sped away. we have their license number.

casualties: only a bunch of loose shit on newport's pinto, lost homoet mount on my magnum (and thus a bad exhaust leak), some skin off doug's leg. it was worth it. even newport and i bonded a little.

Re: creature vigilantism: success


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oh it was total knar, being my last moped monday for awhile, I have to say it was one hell of a way to end it.

I 'm not quiting or anything, just going touring to south america via moped.


Re: creature vigilantism: success

nice read, nice work, but you should had held him for the cops.

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should _have_ held...geez

/waiting on coffee to perk

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Jounalism major??? Nice story dude... Good save!

Re: creature vigilantism: success

Brian Mikami /

Good stuff. Nice watching a movie.

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FUCK holding him for the cops! Hold him for me next time. I'll fly down and show him a good time.

If you would have 6-packed him he'd never steal a ped again.

After Virginia I'm all about SF. I want to kill moped theives, while making out with Sean Newport.

Re: creature vigilantism: success


We had a few casualties on the ride. the construction site he brought us through was nothing but mud and big coffin sized holes to our right and left. Doug got caught in that orange net stuff and flew head first into a 6-7 feet deep hole. I flew off a 2 foot concrete lip and bent the fuck out of my rear wheel.

The craziest thing is we had a couple first time riders that night. Ashliegh (a new creature. it was her boyfriends bike that got stolen) was flying down the gravel path on her new puegot 103 at 30mph. We all had faster bikes than the dirtbag but he knew the area better than us. The whole chase took about 45 minutes.

At one point we lost him and we were all gathered on a street corner. Jay had just done some recon and found out where the guys hang out. We were all debating whether or not we should swarm over there when he flew past us again. All i heard was Rie scream, "THERE HE IS! GET HIM GET HIM!" and we all took off after him again. He took us back through the construction site again but this time we were prepared. The first half of the chase most of the creatures thought we were just having some fun in the mud.

This time they all knew who he was and what he was doing. Balls to the wall. We sped after him and when he realized he was not getting away he hopped off the bike just as about 10 creatures arrived, chains in hand. The dude in the van was so fucking scared i was laughing the whole time.

It turns out that this rat-bastard is responsible for more than a few thefts. We gave the cops the license plate number and told them where they bitches hang out. Hopefully we will be hearing from the PoPo soon.

Man that was the most fun i think i have ever had on a moped. Everyone had a great time. we even had one girl there who had barely driven a ped before (it was her third time on anything with 2 wheels and a motor). Fucking hardcore! If i get a chance i'll go take some pictures of the fucking battlefield we had to navigate through in the dark. you guys wouldnt belive it would be possible to ride through it unless you saw it.

If nothing else this crakhead hippy ass stinky dreadlockwearing crusty dick bitch will think twice before he tries to fuck with the creatures again. I hope he spreads the word. that was our first real "gang" moment. We are thinking of having a stakeout. Gonna park a ped at caltrain station and keep an eye on it. We are gonna get the rest of the bikes back for sure!

Re: creature vigilantism: success

John Joedicke /

Or a bullet in the head. Leave it to the cops.

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Stake out sounds great. I do think he needs some disciplining however.

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that story was awsome

but if you want scary story along w/ excitement ask pat or mark from the hells satans about the ped recovery in the ghetto

oh yeah chunk what is "6-packin"?

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chunk. make outs will come in do time. trust me. we scared the shit out of both those bums. imagine riding along on a stolen moped only to find the gang of mopeder the bike was stolen from. it was straight out of a madmax film. the guy must have shit to see 20+ of us on his tail. plus we had chains swinging and me yelling to get the fuck out of the car. i think i may have yelled for us to drag him behind the alley to beat the shit out of him and teach him a lesson. most of it was to just scare the dirty bastard. but i wouldn't have minded getting a few punches in. man such a great ride. we had at least 3 mopeders out on their first ride last night. they must think we are nuts.

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no way do i think you guys (and gals) are nuts! i actually thought you guys were super nice and welcoming when i got to the bar when we met up.... then to find abe's bike ten minutes into the ride and see that you guys care enough to chase the fuck-face down WITH chains swinging and help get it back. YES! creatures: 1 recovered bike, 2 to go. them: going down, scared shitless. they know they're being hunted. we must be super stealth on future rides. and what a ride for the last ride for you guys going to south america?! radness.

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hey what was that cute asian girls name that came with us? it was her first creature ride too. I think she drove a black and chrome allstate. i was way too fucked up to remember.

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wow that is awsome great save but i would have beat the fuck out of the guy

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aww mann we need something like that in boston. thats completely badass!

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Are you kidding? We could never live up to FSU... y'know, beating up Moby and all. That rules. What doesn't rule is how much of a bunch of jerks those dudes are at shows.

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boston doesnt have too many mopedders :(

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This is true. Hopefully I'll be living in Framingham @ FSC when spring semester comes up again, and when the snow melts (and I get a bad-ass reputation, or people really like me, whatever) I'll be able to take up a 'ped. That way, it's only 20 or so miles to Boston, instead of 60.

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Her name is Mila, and she was riding a free spirit/kromag. The allstate was a manual shift puch motorcycle from the sixties.

"Smoking dope chokes revolutionary energy."

-The Edukators (2005)

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Nice quote, Bret. Also:

"I don't smoke weed or sess, 'cuz it's known to give a brotha brain damage, and brain damage on the mic don't manage NOTHIN', 'cept makin' a suckah 'n' you equal, don't be another sequel."

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"freespirit" gets my vote for best moped name. runners-up are "le moped" and "chicken power".

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bret. i about spit my food out onto the computer reading your edukators quote. awesome reference.

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A "6-pack" is an IRA form of punishment. A bullet through each elbow, knee, and ankle.

Mostley for loyaist pricks and informants.

Works well on moped theives and FSU pussies as well.

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I nominate GimmyJimmy to star in the film version of this chase. "The Great Moped Chase"


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Hopefully, I will be attending BU soon. One more feeble mopeder for Boston.

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I knew you'd appreciate that Sean.

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Hey we ain't feeble! LOL

But seriously that's awesome ... we need more riders around here!

Re: creature vigilantism: success

Larry Picarello /

great read

good basis for a screenplay(or comic book)

SNL has spawned movies from less worthy material

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