Moped Rescue #1by Josh Dahl |
| I'm Josh, I'm a Decepticon now (honorary), but I wasn't always. This is the story of how I went from normal guy to Decepticon and scared the living shit out of some kid in the process. It was a Friday, April 16th as I recall. My day started early because I had to drive my roommate, The Drifter, to the hospital. He mistakenly believed he had broken his foot at a concert the night before (that's a WHOLE 'nother story). So it did start out an odd day, but I had no idea that before the sun would set I would take the law into my own hands and the whole north side would tremble at the cry "Don't fuck with the decepticons!" When I got home from the hospital, there was a message on my answering machine from Dan. Dan's my friend, he and his roommate Simon are Decepticons. Anyone who knows me knows not to call at ten in the morning, so I knew it was important. I intercepted the call and Dan told me the news. Simon's moped had been stolen. Damn. If you are reading this, you know about mopeds. You probably even have one that is special to you. So, you know what this is like. Some little piece of shit decided he would rather have the moped and just made off with it. Garbage. Sub-human garbage. Well, I wasn't going to go back to bed now, even though I really wanted to. I went down to Dan and Simon's place and they were out front waiting for the cops (through this whole thing the cops put forth a great effort and even helped us out a little. Here's to you cops). Simon gave me a copy card and a photo of the missing Motobecane, and sent me to Kinko's to make up flyers. We were going to blanket the neighborhood, someone knew something and we would get them to talk. I made the flyers and found the Decepticons. Together, we walked the streets of Kalamazoo. Every tree or post got a flyer. Rewards were offered. Every passerby was questioned. We heard a rumor of a white guy with long blonde hair riding around the neighborhood. We also heard about two black kids dragging it over to the north side. Understand, the north side is the part of Kalamazoo where suburbanite white kids fear to tread. Its no Chicago, but bad things happen there. We hoped the moped wasn't there. "The north side doesn't have anything I can't handle." I foolishly boasted. Trying to make light of what I feared might actually happen, also trying to build the courage of my companions. Courage can go a long way in a confrontation, but so can fear. It was getting to be around 2 o'clock. We had made it all the way to Kalamazoo's meager downtown. We were closing in on the north side. Good. I figured that the kids would be getting out of school soon. It had to be high school kids who stole it. Real thieves go for stuff they can sell, not cool rides. Also, high school kids bragged. I knew the chances of the dumb fuck who boosted the thing keeping his mouth shut were pretty slim. He would have told some one, he would have told lots of people. Even if his friends wouldn't rat him out for a reward, someone would. High school kids have enemies, especially high school kids who steal and are little pricks. I knew that if we got to the north side when there were a bunch of kids walking around, we would get some good information. We headed back to Simon's place and got his truck. Its a big black pick-up. Dan rode in the back (which is legal in Kalamazoo) and I rode shot-gun. Simon was getting pissed, and we just sort of kept our mouths shut. Simon's just a little guy, but I could see the murder in his eyes. I was mostly just along for the fun of it and because they are my friends. I didn't really want blood, Simon did. I've got about a hundred pounds on him, and I knew I didn't want to get between him and the kid who stole the moped. I almost hoped that we didn't find him. I would suck to spend the afternoon burying a body. It was getting late, we'd been walking all day, our enthusiasm was waning and it was starting to look a little hopeless. Simon was still pissed though. The anger was just burning below the surface. It was starting to look like that big anger was going to go wasted. With no target for it, it would eventually succumb to exhaustion and frustration. That would suck. Our plan was to just walk around in the neighborhoods, put up flyers and talk to people. Simon turned north onto Douglas street. This street runs right through the north side. It has two lanes going in either direction, plus a turn lane, five lanes total. "Remember," Simon said as we drove "look for the actual moped, too." "Is that it?" I said. Yes. Yes, that was it. Some black kid, maybe fifteen years old, was riding south down the sidewalk on an orange Motobecane. God damn! Without a thought, and in true action hero style, Simon swerved up onto the curb and over the sidewalk. There was suddenly a huge truck blocking the kid's path. At this point he probably didn't even think we were after the moped. How could he have known? All kids are cocky, especially thieves. I know I used to be one. Once you've stolen something, you think you are the coolest guy in the world. You think you really pulled one over and the whole world is too dumb to catch you. Especially the dumb fuck you ripped off. Well, maybe that's usually the case, but this kid didn't count on the Decepticons. The kid tucked his shoulders into racing position and darted across the five lanes of Douglas street. Simon, again in action style, did a huge U-turn across those same five lanes and came up behind the kid on the other side. Now he had to know we were after him. But he knew one other thing. A truth common to all bicycle thieves and similar little trouble makers. He knew he could escape. On his (not his, Simon's) moped, he had the speed to get away from anyone on foot, and the agility to escape from cars. He could go between houses and speed up sidewalks, there was no way he could be caught. Yeah, well, he didn't count on the Decepticons. In this kid's mind, he was still the coolest guy in the world, he was being chased, but there was no way he would be caught. He was untouchable. All it would take was a little fancy driving and he would have outwitted the same dumb suckers twice in one day. Escape was certain. He worried, but not scared. Fear was for people who didn't know to cut between houses. He turned into a business's parking lot and Simon followed. Dan, still riding in back, had started yelling. "We're gonna kill you!" This must have seemed sort of like an abstract fact to the kid. Something far away which didn't really affect his life, he was going to get away. He knew the secret. Then he did it, went where truck couldn't go, from the parking lot and into the drive way and between the houses. He was as good as free. But, he didn't count on the Decepticons. We followed him, Dan still screaming threats. "You're dead motherfucker!" Suddenly the threat was real. His escape route was gone. What he had counted on and known to be true his whole thieving life was suddenly taken from him. Suddenly the threats were no longer abstract. Suddenly there were three very real, very crazy, white people in a huge pick-up truck bearing down on him. He looked back over his shoulder and I saw the fear in his eyes. He understood then that the simple rules he lived by didn't mean shit to Decepticons. Maybe a cop or some other kid's dad wasn't going to chase you up through gardens and lawns, but the Decepticons would. He took the moped, it wasn't his, we were going to get it back. I saw that fear and I relished it. It was good. Then I pitied the kid. I knew Simon was going to kill him. Simon must have seen that fear too, but I suspect it stirred something much darker than pity in him. Dan still screamed. "We're gonna kill you!" I rolled down my window, and saved the kids life. "Drop it and run, motherfucker!" My words entered his head like they were his own thoughts, and he did exactly what I said. He dropped it and ran. Simon stopped the truck just short of running over the moped and we were all off on foot. I went around the back of the garage trying to catch him there, but he was gone. Simon was on his tail, running down the sidewalk. Screaming. "Don't fuck with the Decepticons!" My burst of energy was gone and I trotted after them, Simon still screaming. After a minute or so, I didn't hear screams anymore and was afraid he'd caught the kid. I wasn't really sure who I was afraid for, but I knew something bad might be happening. I hustled around the corner to find Simon leaning through the window of a cop car, giving a whole report of the incident. Again props to the cops for helping in their own little way. Short moments later Dan rode up on the slightly damaged moped. It still ran, that was good. We loaded it onto the truck and Simon and Dan left with the cop. They had already caught the kid two streets over and they needed to identify him. He tried to play it off like he was an innocent victim, but it didn't work. While I waited near the truck a cute girl I sort of knew walked by with her dog. She asked what I was doing. "Taking the law into my own hands." I grinned. I was too high on adrenaline and how cool I was to really talk to her and she left. The guys came back and we took the moped to the repair shop. It was a little fucked up, but mostly ok. Simon checked the odometer and found that they had put nearly fifty miles on it. All through the night, those little bastards took turns riding it. There's no way one person could put that many miles on it. There must have been a whole crowd of kids waiting for their turns, even as we surveyed the damage miles away, not knowing that the moped had been returned to its owner and their little buddy was off to kid-jail. Within seven hours of discovering the crime, the Decepticons had recovered what was theirs. I'd like to see the cops try that. Later, as we purchased a length of imposing chain on the off chance that those kids didn't stay scared, I was offered honorary Decepticon membership. Of course, I accepted. |