Moped Army

Last night KZ and wootslap crashed at my house on their way to Goshen mopedependence day.

Five of us plus the two Ohio boys on a sweet night ride through the city to get some dinner... what could possibly go wrong? About halfway, KZ's plastic throttle housing snapped and we pulled over so he could jump up and down and scream at it.
At this point a city cop rolls up and asks what's going on. People start shutting their bikes off to hear what he's saying. At this point I hear the officer say "well I see three bikes with no taillights..."

I jump off my bike, take my helmet off and introduce myself to the officer, start to explain that these are vintage mopeds and the lights work, there's just no battery so unless the engine is powering the magneto the lights don't work. Apparently this is above his comprehension. "DONT LIE TO ME, IF THERE'S NO BATTERY THEN IT DOESN'T WORK! THAT'S HOW THE STATE VIEWS IT!" no no no, that's not it, I explain. I try again and he cuts me off "DONT GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT! YOU SEE THIS? (points to gray streaks in his hair) I BEEN AROUND A WHILE AND I DONT APPRECIATE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT!" at this point I just apologize and start to back away. "YOU'RE NOT SORRY, QUIT TRYING TO PSYCHOANALYZE ME!" the dude starts to have some kind of meltdown... "COME BACK HERE! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCH SMARTER THAN ME? YOU THINK YOU CAN GET IN MY MIND AND FUCKIN CONTROL ME? QUIT TRYING TO PSYCHOANALYZE ME! I HATE WHEN PEOPLE THINK THEY'RE SO SMART!"

at this point I begin repeating "im sorry" over and over. he continues to scream as if he cant hear me apologizing. I kneel in front of him, put both hands in the air and say "I don't want any trouble" he yells "OH THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, COLLEGE BOY! YOU THINK YOU GOT ME ALL FIGURED OUT..." and then continues cursing and rambling about how I'm "psychoanalyzing" him. I start bowing, and begging for his mercy, he's shouting about how he's gonna ticket us all and impound the bikes, I ask if we can just turn around and go home. He says "YEAH BUT IF A PATROL SEES YOU YOU'RE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE" (translation: yeah but i've got a vendetta and I'm gonna radio for someone to nab you on your way).

we turn around and head back, after a few blocks I stop to ask everyone if they want to head to my house or split up and go home or what... as we sit in a parking lot four police cruisers slowly pass us. I call the honky-tonk bar across the street from my house to see how late they're open (because at this point I need to drink), and we continue towards home. we get about a block and i see flashing lights. I pull over and see Beau and Matt talking to a Sherrif's Deputy, then ride up to me. I'm thinking they explained that we were on our way home and he's sending us on our way... Matt rides up and says "he says to come up here with you guys."

I pull into a private drive for the University and shut my bike off. The deputy informs us that one of our taillights is indeed out, I explain that they're old bikes, they vibrate and the lights short out sometimes, 6 volt bulbs are hard to find, we already got scolded by a city cop and we're on our way home. He says "allright hang on a sec" and heads back to his truck. as he's walking out to the road, a police cruiser comes roaring up... Officer Psycho jumps out and comes running at me: "WELL WELL WELL... LOOK WHO DIDN'T MAKE IT HOME!" deputy starts to talk to Psycho cop, Psycho cop waves a hand in deputy's face. "YEAH YEAH I KNOW THESE GUYS, THEY'VE BEEN CAUSING ALL KINDS OF TROUBLE. I TRIED TO LET 'EM OFF EASY, BUT I GUESS THEY JUST NEED TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON!" Deputy tries to ask Psycho Cop something, but Psycho Cop is totally obsessed with me at this point. "WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S THE RESIDENT LAWYER? ...THERE YOU ARE, MR. PSYCHOLOGY. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER! I BET YOU GO TO THIS COLLEGE, DON'T YA? (at this point I just put my head down on my tank and covered it with my hands) MR. COLLEGE BOY? YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, THIS ONE IS TRYING TO PSYCHOANALYZE ME. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING: DID I GO TO COLLEGE? NO! I ONLY WENT TO COLLEGE AT A 2-YEAR COMMUNITY COLLEGE! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?" Deputy decides to do something productive and starts taking our information, Psycho Cop continues to scream at me "I MAY NOT HAVE YOUR FANCY BOOK SMARTS, BUT I WAS IN THE MARINES! I BEEN TO ALL DIFFERENT COUNTRIES! I SPENT 12 YEARS IN THE MARINES! I THINK THAT OUGHT TO COUNT FOR AT LEAST A FEW YEARS OF YOU FANCY COLLEGE!"

Deputy intercedes to get my name and info, and Psycho Cop wanders back to his car, still audibly rambling. I tell the deputy that we wear blinking bike taillights to make sure we're safe, and we just want to go home. Psycho Cop runs back over, points to Beau's Batavus: "THIS GUY'S LEAKING GAS. I SHOULD HAUL THIS PILE OF SHIT TO IMPOUND AND REPORT YOU ASSHOLES TO THE EPA! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, COLLEGE BOY?" I lift my head from the gas tank, and say "Sir, I failed out of college six years ago." "WELL I GUESS THEN YOU'RE NOT NOTHING! YOU'RE NOT NOTHING BUT A SMART ASS!" (which is true as a generalization, but in this case was a false accusation.)

At this point I hear Deputy ask KZ for his full name and I start laughing. "Kiarash Zarezadeh, sir." Deputy realizes why I was laughing, starts laughing, and asks "So is that just the common spelling?" Psycho Cop says "SOUNDS LIKE THIS MIGHT BE SOMETHING FOR NATIONAL SECURITY TO INVESTIGATE." Deputy goes back to his car to run our info, and Psycho Cop continues to yell at me about how I'm trying to psychoanalyze him, how I'm a college boy and I think I'm so much better than him. Deputy comes back after a few minutes, sends us on our way.

As we're leaving, I'm running to bump start and my bike jumps out from underneath me, goes flying and I land face first in the street. My headlight stops working, and ten minutes later my bike mysteriously stalls and won't start back up, forcing my brother to run back to my house and get the truck to haul me and the throttle-impaired KZ home.
All in all, pretty awesome night.